I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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