How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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