My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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