i will never coherently bang her
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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