I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
no you cant smoke seaweed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
