Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
