Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Hippo gnu deer
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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