In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
