I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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