I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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