My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The chlamydia really affected his face.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
