remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
