I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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