May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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