apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
