I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
