I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
