A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My cat gives me a boner
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
