I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
NoShamevember. You game?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
