Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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