saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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