Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
