You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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