How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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