you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
