walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
