We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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