What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
