I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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