just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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