she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Shame is for Republicans.
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