I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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