Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize