Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
