I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
