And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
