Your mouth is God's brothel.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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