He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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