from now on my penis is your penis
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
