I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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