someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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