You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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