My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
