Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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