when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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