So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
