wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
