I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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