He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
