Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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