Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
