when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
