All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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