i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
