It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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