So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
