Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
