Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
