In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
