It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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