I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
