Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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