you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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