my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
