I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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