she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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