The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
